Sometime at the End of October.....

I am not sure to what I might attribute my long haitus. Time is an obvious and universal constraint, and still not the one I have been most up against. Lack of content or ideas seems lazy and contrived. Work paralysis, penchant for procrastination, these are ongoing and yet highly inconsequential truths. I have had moments before when writing is not the first thing or even the last thing I have turned to as a mean by which to understand myself within the context of the world around me. Sometimes life moves so fast it is as if I am riding a high-speed train, and to make sense of a world that is blurry and fleeting requires the type of effort I have not recently possessed.

There is also something to be said for making up for lost time. I used to have these things which I referred to as “lost days” and in any given year, which have, especially in college, been busy to say the least, I might have had four or five of these days. These were the types of days that I spent doing nothing, sometimes in the solitude of my room or maybe in the seat of a plane taking me across the Atlantic or maybe in the corner of some coffee shop going through LinkedIn toward one or another fruitless end trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. The last six months have been a string of consecutive lost days, days not tethered to any sense of purpose other than waiting out the clock.

So maybe it’s not like I am on the train, but somewhere next to, trying to outrun it in a race I will inevitably lose. To be able to reflect is to have something to reflect upon. I am trying so hard to make up for lost time that it is as if I am not fully conscious of the world around me, not fully present in any moment, so geared toward an unknown end, and I am tired. “What is lost is already behind the locked doors. The fear is for what is still to be lost.” (Joan Didion) Time has been lost this year. Time with friends, time outside, time in a classroom, time learning, time doing things you love. Thought has been lost, misattributed to all the things that have gone wrong. And where I do not mourn these things, I do fear what more there is to lose. And it is this fear from which I am trying to run.

In the midst of all this running, I have not been writing and I have not been cooking and I really have not been doing many of the things that I love the most. And I suppose this is the reason for my hiatus. And I hope that this is what marks its end, the finish line of this futile race. This is all to say there will be new things coming to the blog, an ongoing record of the things I love.